Cognitive researchers argue that the extent to which people perceive another person as similar to themselves may be one explanation for attraction. Contrary to the adage that “opposites attract,” it appears that those whom we perceive to be similar to ourselves are more attractive to us. The Similarity-Attraction Model argues that people like and are attracted to others who are similar, rather than dissimilar to themselves.

Couples tend to be similar in age, religion, social class, cultural background, personality, education, intelligence, physical attractiveness, and attitudes.

Maybe this is because there is a tendency for people to live in areas where people are like themselves. It makes sense that other people’s support for one’s own views and attitudes is rewarding because it validates one’s opinions and boosts self-esteem.

With modern technology, if we are looking for a partner who is similar to ourselves, then it should be relatively easy. With online dating apps and speed dating, we should be able to sort through potential candidates and find the perfect match.

Fiore and Donath (2005) examined messaging data from 65,000 users of a United States dating site. They found that users preferred a potential partner who had a high level of similarity on a variety of categories, but some categories appeared to be more significant than others - for example, wanting to have children.  They also found that women responded more positively to men whose popularity on the site was similar to their own.

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As you can see, this is not a question with a correct answer. Students do, however, often have strange ideas about how the older generation got to meet their spouses/partners. Usually a good discussion of how we meet someone and how - in spite of all the technology that is out there - some of the ways we do it stay the same. Students are often unaware of "classifieds" that used to be in the morning paper with people looking for someone!  Low tech - but not really all so different.

Another cognitive factor that may play a role in how we form relationships is our schema. John Bowlby, a developmental psychologist, posited that as children we form mental representations or schema based on our first bonded relationship - often with our mother or another caregiver.  The motivation to form attachment is biologically based but the process of forming attachments is based on experience. Bowlby called this set of schema the internal working model.

If a child experiences love and affection, she will come to see herself as worthy of love and attention. This is her working model as Bowlby sees it. The working model will determine her relationship with other people and the way she sees herself in the future. Bowlby believed that humans tend to reproduce the internal working model in later relationships.

Hazan & Shaver (1987) assumed that adult attraction and relationship formation is a reflection of the expectations and beliefs that people have formed about themselves and their close relationships as a result of their experiences with early attachment figures. The researchers devised a “love quiz” in a local newspaper and asked respondents to indicate which of the three patterns best described their feelings of romantic relationships. The participants had to read the three statements that you can see in the box below and say which paragraph best described them in regard to close relationships.

A self-selected sample of 620 people aged between 14 to 82 years responded to the love quiz. The mean age was 36. There were 205 were males and 415 females. A second study used a sample of 108 college students.  The researchers found that 56% of the respondents demonstrated what would be considered a secure attachment style, 25% showed an anxious-avoidant pattern and 19% showed an anxious-ambivalent pattern. The researchers also asked participants to describe their parents’ parenting style using a simple adjective checklist. People who were securely attached said their parents had been readily available, attentive and responsive. People who were anxious-avoidant said their parents were unresponsive, rejecting and inattentive. People who were anxious-ambivalent said their parents were anxious, only sometimes responsive and generally out of step with their needs.

Hazan & Shaver theorized that romantic love is a process that shares important similarities with early attachment relationships. They also found that differences in adult attachment were related to beliefs about the self and others.  Although the researchers found there was some correlation between parenting style and adult attachment patterns as predicted by their research hypothesis, they warned about drawing too many conclusions about the continuity between early childhood experience and adult relationships.  It would be overly deterministic to say that insecurely attached children would also end up in insecure adult relationship patterns.

The study was based on a self-selected sample which is perhaps not representative. There was also sampling bias in that more females than males participated in the study. Furthermore, self-reported data are perhaps not always reliable since they are open to demand characteristics. Since the study was conducted in the Western world it would be important to carry out cross-cultural research to see if this is a consistent pattern before final conclusions can be made as.